so im doin laundry and morning bumpkin stuff. i was thinking about how i will inherit nothing from my granny probably… i was thinking about how she spent all that money, the excuses shes used recently when baiting me into arguments and i bring that garbage up (yikes) and her speech impediment… the speech impediment i believe has something to do with her partial, but it sounds like she has a bunch of broken half mushy chunks of calcuim in her mouth as she speaks. its so weird and makes me feel nauseated. i guess growing up with someone so superficial and interested in controlling how others see them and seeing her decay into the tobacco stains, dog hair, mush mouth, moritification obsession drama and tv stuff – its quite painful. this is what ive been avoiding. it will happen with all of them, the ugliness. i will never let this happen to me, ever. i dont care what occurs around me. i refuse.

I cannot forget how evil and cruel, reaching and desperate this person is. No matter what, I cannot forget how unsafe people, even beyond me, are in the realm and presence of this person. Their priorities are self focused, self interested and will never shift or change or be relinquished. She uses people to feed her motivation and weave the narrative that suits her, in the circumstance. She is impulsive, compulsive, insecure, reactive, deceptive, manipulative, greedy, ignorant, worthless and psychically psychopathic.

She is violent, physically and emotionally. She is uncaring and superficial. She thinks she’s amazing and worthwhile of all things good and great. She is a clown. I need to cover my ass and all my bases, take into account everything she is trying to do. She exists in cycles and doesn’t care about things that happen. It’s all paradox, chaos and smoke screen to prevent anyone from holding her accountable for being abusive and negligent. I cannot forget these things and I HAVE to live like this is real, because it is and it is a danger.

well woke up feeling really terrible. i know that its because of her and how she treats me. her toxic habits and perpetual warrior/victim dance is unbearable to witness and even worse to be around. last night her dog ran upstairs into my room, and i petted him then sent him back downstairs. i hear her reprimanding him, telling him “sit down right here and do not move.” this is the retard shit i cannot stand. everytime the dog and i (god its so pathetic) bond she loses her mind. she’s even called him a traitor. what a cvnt.

i need to flat out ignore her bullshit, 100%. she’s tried to physically provoke me, throwing stuff at me, trying to enter my physical sphere or rushing past me. what a fkg nutcase, ugh.

i really need to get surveillance equipment to cover my own ass. i need a camera that i can see through my phone, something really small and get a voice recorder/dictation machine.

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0147955

this situation is expired. i have total clarity and there is no going back, ever. yesterday evening i felt some kind of guilt, which is part of being raised in this dynamic, coming from her, and my family, and needs to be acknowledged but only to be aware of its discard, for my own sake to know about myself. my creepy aunt came over and i was distressed that marilyn had called her on purpose, but then i gathered my nuts and went downstairs. she just wanted to boast her little gay tattoo she got ( lol) and i realized she was just wanting to hang with me. shes disgusting and toxic but it was “interesting” how jealous and catty marilyn is. she was so jealous, like fighting for pam’s attention and silently raging when her and i would laugh and bond. what a clown.

im having a small explosion of joy in my heart, thank you fucking christ. i need to be myself. this woman is trying to crush me and disappate my good qualities to neutralize the threat to her fragile ego and wavering confidence. the best thing for everyone, the best thing for the universe is to BE RAD. be happy, fun and nice. grateful and just. she can fuck herself, she can evict me if she wants and do whatever she thinks she has to do, she has no one. she has nothing. shes a liar and manipulator and i need to have all the evidence together because its responsible for me to do that.

its so sad having to dismantle the garden area, but it’s worse to keep going at it here. i know she’s watching me like a bitter jealous raging nincompoop anytime i do anything, because that’s how she is. shes a cvnt. so guess what? im the opposite and im disengaging, i wont provide her with supply any longer and im not cowering to her shit.

good on me for doing what’s right, as much as i possibly can, always. i have a lot to be proud of myself for.

i also used the ultimate weapon against her, when she was going through her bitch list, inverting things i had told her confidence, degrading me in a big ass no no so i brought up aunt avis.

i think im going to make an aunt avis tshirt and wear it around. what a saint she was, god damn. marilyn, you are a live and breathing demon, benign and scowling in your old age.

there is no level this woman wont attempt. and she’s got herself at checkmate having me here. im not playing around with life anymore, and im not sacrificing myself for her for another second. f that.

well, i’ve looked into some places to live and im really considering leaving. i would just rent a uhaul.

if it is possible, to leave, something i need to consider if i want to tell anyone? i don’t know. should i contact my uncle mike? should i ask him for advice? trust him to keep a secret from his idiot wife? ugh. its all so retarded.

im watching this jerry wise video where hes talking about what makes a narcissist family. he says that the narc always has to be right, vulnerability is a weakness and there’s always someone to blame, you must always take sides.

maybe it would be best to write all this out and write them a letter? lol, it will have to be a display of my maturity and resolve. this video is really useful.

it’s a rainy day. its nice out.

im considering dismantling the garden. i dont know if i want to go to phys therapy, i think i should.

my grandmother on my mothers side had a stroke on friday, so that and talking to my mom again had initially put a large strain on me. i think im just tender and letting things affect me too much to be honest. im not really taking the high road, i dont know. it feels bad to be criticzing myself.

anyhow, the fact that im living here is tearing the fiber of my being.

the lying about me, like i needed to come up here. my idiotic family believing whatever to justify their behavior. everythings an excuse to keep things how they are, to keep me alienated. its taken me 2 months to accept that i am the victim in this situation. that the only reason my grandma ever tries to engage with me is for control. she treats that dog like shit- even getting jealous of he and i getting along, what a clown! its a battle 24/7. ugh. the fact that none of my family members even tried to be like hey, lets discuss if something happens to her – it’s like everything is a fuck you. its disgusting.

i’m done being sad. hopefully i can get over being affected by things and just move freely in this situation until i get out of it.

its disturbing the effort that will be made to maintain the alienation and the work of triangulating people against me – omg. me having to accept things, the weight of it.

this is no reflection of me. the good thing about talking to my mom is that she has my back no matter what. she knows what my family is like and is never gaslighting me or trying to manipulate me about this. she hates my grandma and i cant say that shes the best person to talk about things with, its not like she doesnt have a vendetta against her in some ways but atleast shes not blaming me for everything. she does see things for what they are with her and i believe she geniunely feels pity towards me.

this situation cannot stay the way it is and i need to work on getting my life right. once i am gone i will never ever talk to these people again. i may even change my phone number. im done with them and i am really kicking myself for being so weak and choosing this route. i set myself out for failure and exploitation, but i think maybe im just being cruel to myself. i should  be proud and stay vigilant and strong about my self care. i need to remain open minded and rebuild my situation, regardless of whats happening in the world.

in this situation, family should be pulliing together and be there for each other, more than ever. but hey, once again, what it always comes down to, is that if these people were like that – we wouldn’t be in this situation as a society.

this place is sick, and its sick because these people sold out. i have nothing to do with it and at the least, i can say that. it was always me working against her effort to destroy me and sabotage my relationships. how funny life is that whatever has the strongest push gets done. the effort to  maintain the chaos and turmoil  is really a fight against things resolving themselves. its best i dont take anything person anymore, accept the circumstance so i can forget it and forge ahead, regardless of anything and never look back.

i’ve lost my father, my brothers, my sisters, my nephews, my cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents. these people are sick and they have been. i’ve been gone and there’s zero justification for their ways, their lives and actions. none of them are worth a damn and they would only serve to destroy my happiness and stability. they’re toxic and weird, and i don’t fck with poop people. toodle-loo. 

So when Sandy took me to get my bike, we discusssed the situation, she asked how things were going. I basically said I am in hell and totally unhappy ::shrug:: She’s nuts, I don’t really care what she thinks or says, but she did clarify something for me. She mentioned the cremation issue- what a doozy. Apparently my grandmother has lied, yet again, big surprise. She told me that Mike had invited them to the cremation ( “who wants to see that? i’ve never been to one of thosee, etc, etc”) So I guess her and Pam went to this thing.

So the only reason I know about any of this bullshit is because, pre-emptively, just as a psycho (lol) sociopathic narcissist does, my grandmother had to build a narrative to plant seeds of (at the least) skepticism or what? she told me of course a version of the story that left her helpless and i was told that it wasn’t her that committed the offense, that sandy told mike to cause problems, and that she raked mike and then sandy through the coals about things. Sandys version was quite different. And the perp of the offense, of pushing dons hat down, ass he’s dead lying on the morgue bed cremation thing (WTf) and made some comment about how that’s how he always wore his hat when her and pam came over ( according to sandy, he did that to pretend like he’s asleep to avoid them). apparently mike was talking to the cremation guy and not payng attention. apparently he noticed the hat, and sandy plead her case, it wasn’t her and she told him. he waited until they were finished and he even took them out for breakfast. later on, he called them over to confront them and my grandma and pam were terrified of being caught, and they argued? this is all so retarded and honestly, who the fck keeps talking to people who do this bullshit.

i just cant wrap my mind around this shit, because it all seems like this behavior creates the opposite outcome of what a person would want, like the effort behind all this seems like maybe if it was put towards healthy positive shit, it would actually be worth doing? the confusing part is that they seem to do this crap because they’re insecure and self conscious, like they’re trying to manipulate the other people into feeling some type of way? but it’s so obvious. it has to be a legitimate addiction to the dopamine or whatever release, the rush from doing this crap. or maybe its about feeling like they’re in control, so it doesn’t matter the way its done or how it turns out, it’s just satisfying some effort. it seems so reactionary, impulsive, based on a life on autopilot, like the person is diverted from their zone to half ass hail mary, even the effort of manipulation is basically retarded.

it doesn’t matter. everything that i do she complains or says underhanded shit. i’ve been busting my ass to put this retarded garden in the back, which takes a lot of effort because the soil is shit, the yards not maintained and nothing was functional. i waiver between being motivated by finishing this task and anxiety of dealing with her cynicism and resentment.

the truth is she’s mean, cruel and toxic as fuck. she treats her dog like absolute trash. he is neurotic and anxious, scared of her and passively defensive when touched or petted. she yells at him for wanting to go outside, she’s created a codependent neurotic pet, her and richard and their idiotic bullshit. ugh. this enviroment is horrible for me and im totally over giving a fuck. i have evolved every event and overcome all of my genuine love and concern for her and have almost completely become solely concerned about myself and my well being. i have a phone interview monday with a job that’s 13 minutes away on the bike. im done caring about this and will shift my brain to getting on my feet. i want to move on from these people entirely because they are absolutely cringe. in ever way, every single one of them. i have lived without them this whole time, even remaining half in and half out. i can say i don’t regret any of it and i also feel like there’s nothiing better to do than focus on me and my life.

i am 100% certain I am under surveillance. I know I was microwaved in jail, twice, and who knows what that’s done to my blood. who cares about this? who can i talk to about this? no one. i’ll just write here and who knows what will come of it.