i can’t wait to be out of here. i will never communicate with any of these cvnts again.

this is so unbelievable. how these people justify themselves. theyre insular arrogant obnoxious embarassing.

every normal emotional faculty with these people has been replaced with a cope or strategy. everything is a front.

these people are insane. someday i will be able to totally forget about them or just moved past everything and then perhaps i can analyze and understand it. theres something wrong with me where i cant even deal with it i guess because im in shock from all this.

being lied to and deceived about everything with my grandma, then guilted and blamed for things, then there’s no regard for how those things make other people feel (anyone, it extends beyond me of course because everyone has said the same stuff about her that i said TO her- they just play along out of some creepy incestual obligation). its so humiliating, the whole thing, to be thrown around like this, discarded then pulled in then discarded then dragged.

i remember when i was younger my younger brother john would always have these insane meltdowns, and take it out on the dog then cry and pull the dog into his arms and just bawl. it was disturbing af to see. needless to say he’s become a worthless scumbag piece of shit.

anyway, i noticed as i’ve matured and aged with time and experience that all this, is a trickle down from my grandmother, and her mother/father.

it has missed me. its so obvious how true this is because of how alienated i am by these retards not to mention i would know, since its my fkg observation lol. they cant see reality, they adjust their preferences and personalities to some weak genertic version of what they think is cool or acceptable and just project their virtue and cant see shit clearly. i have no respect for them, i dont want to hear their shit. and i guess im in shock because i knew this stuff since i was conscious, maybe 11 and i cant believe how long i’ve subjected myself to caring. they were socipath narcs and so i left and just waited, emenating love and care while my grandma slowly manipulated and shaped everyones weak spineless brain matter into whatever tf they’ve turned into.

she’s blaming me for all her health issues lmao, like go fuck yourself you bitch, you sit on your fucking ass chain smoking talking shit about every goddamn thing available to discuss.

its crazy how my family members know shes a lying hag but they jump for her all the same. who does that? what does that mean psychologically? she’s sold them the lie that i “just showed up” like i needed this in my fucking life. ugh. i just cant wait to be away and i will go full no contact and forget them as soon as humanly possible.

i am free from this and i am so happy.

now i have to decide if i am going to talk with these people. i think i should, and be concise. i already know how they will respond and who cares, but im not going to be a d bag because they are.

everything they do is sensational, lazy and manipulative. like how much a person can simp for this asshole is their only effort in life. what a joke.

im done with all of this. the people here, my so called family members. there’s no way and there never was, to make this “work out.” it was a mistake (or so it seems now) for me to do this. i need to focus focus focus on me.

i forgot who i was before i came here. i’ve been swept up in her vibe and the tension, then the dynamic these people have together. then trying to empathize and justify actions when really all i want is freedom from toxic bs, negativity and ultimately control.

i am perfectly capable of having meaningful relationships. i am capable of having mature and enriching conversations. so what about the past, so what about my family, so what about the “state of things” – were they not always bad?

have i not worked very hard on my character, my capabilites and strengths? have i not worked through all of the trauma of my childhood, forgiven the parties ( except my grandmother) and moved on with my life long ago?

what’s wrong with forgiving her? letting things be whatever they are and remaining firm in my beliefs of forgiveness and not perpetuating the turmoil? so what that i am here now and this dark cloud looms, its not my problem. i dont have to work, to prove or earn anything with these people. i am my own person with my own standards, just like them. and they havent showed me compassion or love, its superficial weirdo stuff and its okay to accept it, forgive it and live without.

i am not interested in harming her, psychologically or physically, and i know that her choices and lifestyle is bad for her and people around her. some of them are worse than her and its not my business. i will remain loving and compassionate, and learn to be that way even from a distance. or accept that its irrelevant.

none of this is my problem nor is it my business. i need to sever the ties to move forward. thats all.

i’m just over it. friday night my aunt and uncle came over. it was weird and draining. we never watched tv, we just listened to my uncle talk forever about his trip, the pictures then political shit lol. i was like okay well thats all fine and great but wtf is your point to which he replied that while he’d rather get a bunch of (redacted) and go to D.C. and (redacted).

Saturday, we went to my aunts place, his sister, and helped her clean and maintain her fkg home? lmao. then her son and granddaughter came over and it was painfully dumb. i finished the yard, mowing and cleaning up the rotted stupid pool. omg. it was exhausting. hearing these people talk about my grandma and say the shit that i say, just reinforces that i should never ever have done this. i dont know, i was in a great flow in life, just going where i went next.

its crazy. we are all the same thing, represent the same exact object and purpose for my grandma. its just unbelievable. then when im here with her and she treats me like a male, like a slave or butler, so cringe. like no im good im not doing shit for you anymore. you’re lazy and entitled, two faced and manipulative. she puts zero effort towards anything wholesome or good for everyone, she is driven by a dopamine cortisol addiction, its so obvious.

when my OTHER aunt and uncle came over yesterday afternoon, she bitched and complained about shit she did, then tried to imply it was somehow my fault without actually saying it. like who the fck else is here- UGH! right in front of me. its great to know though that all these people feel the same way and know her bs. too bad they arent cool or interesting and that we will never have a relationship. they arent worth a shit anyway so who cares.

im done with this situation. i need to get this garden situation under control then be done with all of this. i dont even want to be around anymore after i leave. to anyone. my uncles wife is the only person that invites me to hang out and thats because she has no friends and everyone hates her, even her husband lol. its unbearable to be around her. she invited me for a dog walk yesterday. i was desperate to get away from here but i made an excuse at the last minute. my grandmother doesnt ever do shit except chainsmoke, gossip and watch tv so the busy few days had her exhausted and probably her body was reacting to suddenly doing stuff and she had some numbness in her feet, then freaked out.

i think it was my outfit to be honest lmao. i was working outside and she made breakfast then when i came in she was having some panic attack or something, i dont fucking know. she blamed me, twice, once covertly in front of my aunt and uncle then to my face later. ugh god shes unbearable, i need to get away from her and never ever look back towards these people. i am done. done done done and i will never go back. she can kiss my ass, im tired of giving her stuff, giving her money, doing things for her and now i dont even want to be near her. her true colors are out, everywhere, and i cant stand seeing it. i dont wish her ill, and i would like her last days at the least to be without me in her life lol. im done caring about her happiness. i have been being victimized by her for the last 20 years and goddamn what a waste of time.

so i signed into messenger and saw that my uncle hadn’t responded. i went to his prof to see if i had requested him, and saw the county he lives in.

the weirdness, the gift that keeps giving lol.

i’m tellin ya, something weird is going on.

an aside tho, isn’t it crazy how things just work so perfectly together, even if they are bad. my father chose women who were as toxic as his mother, and they imitate her behavior. the fact that no one owns up to anythiing and all treat me with the same disdain is quite ironic but not really – it all makes perfect sense.

i think it’s official that i’ve cycled through and out of what homo capensis likes to call narc abuse and/or narc family system.

i’m sorry but i’m an adult and i don’t HAVE to deal with this bullshit. i don’t have to explain myself or justify anything. i’m quite tired of speaking.

i am going to do whatever i want. and if these inverted smooth brains feel the need to exact some time of revenge or actual assault on my well being and/or peace of mind, so be it. it’d probably be a good idea to get some kind of representation or something? who knows what’s even available without consequences or some “catch” for someone in my situation.

i need some nice weather and to spend some time alone. it’s so hard when you have a old insecure control freak cvnt who only real effort towards anything in life is manipulating and maintenance towards what her simps think about her. f that.

is it distrubing to me? yes, it was.

is it sad? no. it was, it hurt, i was jarred and shocked but these are adults, this is what they choose and want. to make matters worse, i am being gas lighted and the blame for crap i don’t even understand is being shifted onto me, as a “defense” mechanism.

i sort of knew what was going on, and i brought it up. i just couldn’t acept it becausee it’s a pretty hufe and disastrous charge to lay against someone, and not even just one person, but a whole system of enabling and capitalizing and supply, so it was a lot. but now there can be no question.

if i am to be isolated, if i am to be judged, then let it be on a battefield. you can’t lock me down or shove me off and then sit sip the tea and put me down behind my back. do it to my face. own it. you can hate me, you can love yourself above anything else, you can despise my voice, but that is a declaration of war. and i will not lay down to you.

how can i respect people that act like this? how can i mourn relationships that never came to be because these retards are smooth brains and cant have actual meaningful relationships?

the irony of things is pretty entertaining tbh. that’s really all i can extract from this at this point. it reminds me of that one symbol …

where everything is coming at or our at all times, from one point.

how ignorant, how selfish, how childish, how hateful, how disingenuous, how arrogant, how confident, how underhanded, how greedy. ugh.

my grandmother acts without thinking, preys or picks on vulnerability. she creates drama as a show of your loyalty, everything is about control. her only maintenance is her vibe. its incredible. i’m done feeling anything about this. how lucky am i, one those rare people in life that’s allowed to focus on me. explore anything i want, learn about anything, if i want to study language, if i want to practice a meditational martial art in the backyard in a sasquatch costume, i can.

i’ve learned so much about myself since i have been here. so much has resolved itself and sloughed off of me. i hate conflict, i hate arguing and i hate drama. i loathe tension and subjugation. its not my issue is that these idiots dont appreciate that. its not my issue if these idiots cant function at a higher level than autopilot. i didnt ask to come up here, because i knew how things would be. i did this for her.

im done with this. its not even like, worth being upset anymore. im just done. i have a life to attend to and i need to be relieved that i am free of this. fuck my family. forever.

this sort of inc3stual dynamic within my family is disgustiing. i was thinking about how my g ma defended my uncle losing a job he worked at for 30 years, like why are you defending him firstly and second, the context was like, oh he’s less stressed out, that was the greatest thing that could’ve happened, when the truth was my point was fck a job bc look at things, look how these people worked here or there for so long then got shitcanned, etc then citing specific cases and she feels she has to defend my uncle etc. i realize why my father is the way he is and i feel so bad for him. hes a loner, lone wolf treated like shit by his parents and escaped and compartmentalized everything so he wont have to experience and conscious distrubance from it again. like they talk so much shit about him, like did anyone ever wonder why he did drugs? drugs arent for pussies, they’re a reprieve from a stress greater that they cause or a rush from the bore of what a person already is. either way, it’s not for cowards. my father is not a coward, he’s just a p.o.s. they are cowards and barely successful normies. spineless. i really truly dont want to do this, go to this “hang out” i dont know what to call it. i guess all i can do is be strong and smart and not sink. maybe take my ear buds too

apparently i have been invited, by proxy i guess, by my cousin to her and her husbands (ugh) home for breakfast with my grandmother aunt and uncle. can’t wait. not.