im done with all of this. the people here, my so called family members. there’s no way and there never was, to make this “work out.” it was a mistake (or so it seems now) for me to do this. i need to focus focus focus on me.
i forgot who i was before i came here. i’ve been swept up in her vibe and the tension, then the dynamic these people have together. then trying to empathize and justify actions when really all i want is freedom from toxic bs, negativity and ultimately control.
i am perfectly capable of having meaningful relationships. i am capable of having mature and enriching conversations. so what about the past, so what about my family, so what about the “state of things” – were they not always bad?
have i not worked very hard on my character, my capabilites and strengths? have i not worked through all of the trauma of my childhood, forgiven the parties ( except my grandmother) and moved on with my life long ago?
what’s wrong with forgiving her? letting things be whatever they are and remaining firm in my beliefs of forgiveness and not perpetuating the turmoil? so what that i am here now and this dark cloud looms, its not my problem. i dont have to work, to prove or earn anything with these people. i am my own person with my own standards, just like them. and they havent showed me compassion or love, its superficial weirdo stuff and its okay to accept it, forgive it and live without.
i am not interested in harming her, psychologically or physically, and i know that her choices and lifestyle is bad for her and people around her. some of them are worse than her and its not my business. i will remain loving and compassionate, and learn to be that way even from a distance. or accept that its irrelevant.
none of this is my problem nor is it my business. i need to sever the ties to move forward. thats all.
whatthe 