it’s a rainy day. its nice out.
im considering dismantling the garden. i dont know if i want to go to phys therapy, i think i should.
my grandmother on my mothers side had a stroke on friday, so that and talking to my mom again had initially put a large strain on me. i think im just tender and letting things affect me too much to be honest. im not really taking the high road, i dont know. it feels bad to be criticzing myself.
anyhow, the fact that im living here is tearing the fiber of my being.
the lying about me, like i needed to come up here. my idiotic family believing whatever to justify their behavior. everythings an excuse to keep things how they are, to keep me alienated. its taken me 2 months to accept that i am the victim in this situation. that the only reason my grandma ever tries to engage with me is for control. she treats that dog like shit- even getting jealous of he and i getting along, what a clown! its a battle 24/7. ugh. the fact that none of my family members even tried to be like hey, lets discuss if something happens to her – it’s like everything is a fuck you. its disgusting.
i’m done being sad. hopefully i can get over being affected by things and just move freely in this situation until i get out of it.
its disturbing the effort that will be made to maintain the alienation and the work of triangulating people against me – omg. me having to accept things, the weight of it.
this is no reflection of me. the good thing about talking to my mom is that she has my back no matter what. she knows what my family is like and is never gaslighting me or trying to manipulate me about this. she hates my grandma and i cant say that shes the best person to talk about things with, its not like she doesnt have a vendetta against her in some ways but atleast shes not blaming me for everything. she does see things for what they are with her and i believe she geniunely feels pity towards me.
this situation cannot stay the way it is and i need to work on getting my life right. once i am gone i will never ever talk to these people again. i may even change my phone number. im done with them and i am really kicking myself for being so weak and choosing this route. i set myself out for failure and exploitation, but i think maybe im just being cruel to myself. i should be proud and stay vigilant and strong about my self care. i need to remain open minded and rebuild my situation, regardless of whats happening in the world.
in this situation, family should be pulliing together and be there for each other, more than ever. but hey, once again, what it always comes down to, is that if these people were like that – we wouldn’t be in this situation as a society.
this place is sick, and its sick because these people sold out. i have nothing to do with it and at the least, i can say that. it was always me working against her effort to destroy me and sabotage my relationships. how funny life is that whatever has the strongest push gets done. the effort to maintain the chaos and turmoil is really a fight against things resolving themselves. its best i dont take anything person anymore, accept the circumstance so i can forget it and forge ahead, regardless of anything and never look back.
i’ve lost my father, my brothers, my sisters, my nephews, my cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents. these people are sick and they have been. i’ve been gone and there’s zero justification for their ways, their lives and actions. none of them are worth a damn and they would only serve to destroy my happiness and stability. they’re toxic and weird, and i don’t fck with poop people. toodle-loo.
whatthe 