I’m drinking coffee, the windowns open. It’s pleasant kind of, although everything in this idiot country is creepy now. It’s hard to be content or enjoy anything anymore.
Something that has been eating away at my soul is how idiotic and pathetic my family members are. I can’t EVEN.
None of this makes sense, at all. The fact is, if my brother moved in with my elderly mom and she was pretty consistently complaining or showing any sign of distress, I’d be kicking the door down to get in. I’d be moving in, too. I’d be right there.
There many things that could’ve been done differently, the set up is so clear. It’s quite shocking how everyone lacks any sense of responsibility and there first reaction is always the continuation of drama and historiocity. Are they getting in where they can? My family members are spineless,lacking good character and any actual strength. I’ve always vowed, due to the circumstances of my birth, my existence, to “get a lfie” once I was free from all of this burden. Moving here has reinforced and actualized how pathetic and repugnant my life is, my existence means nothing to the people I was born to, and for what? None of this is logical.
What am I to do? Call everyone out? Expose something? lol. This is what they do. Cheap shots, every move based on establishing their position over something, someone else. Or something. I don’t understand this bs because I don’t do this shit, nor do I approve of people who do this crap. I am a whole person, regardless of anything that has happened. I’ve never blamed anyone for my shortcomings or mistakes, but I have never run to these people for anything either, because I knew if they truly cared- I would sense it. There’s no justification for any of this, there’s a reason for it but there’s no way anyone could ever look back on thiings and say ” I did the best I could” – except me.
My gran begged me crying, ” please don’t leave me.” It doesn’t matter if people feel like she deserves what she’s got. There are responsibilities we all have, regardless of this or that or our feels, we are bound by the universal laws of morality to do what is right, and none of these cucks care about it. I can’t abandon this person. Underneath all of the horseshit, we are only human, flaws and all, and for our own sake, we need to be unconditional and loving towards our family. If distance is neccessary, fine – but the hypocrisy with these idiots is palpable. It’s almost like they’re geeked up by mortification and want to see the worst possible outcome. Pondering them and their ways, the logic of it is quite debilitating and unnerving. The avirice and cowardice is so apparent, I almost get defensive trying to see why it all is, but I have to at some point, see things with as much clarity as possible. My pride won’t let me employ the empathy required to understand them and their actions (or lack thereof) but I have to overcome this at some point. Who does this torturous, vengeful shit to someone? The funny part is that regardless of whatever they think, I am still stronger than them, I am still more wise, mature and better at making decisions. I know more, have experienced more and will forever be stronger than them. I don’t need this to boost my whatever, I am whole and integrated, I know my priorities, strenths and weaknesses and can’t live beyond that or be dismissive of it. I don’t build myself off of others or create false narratives to shield me from anything, I accept anything, everything and operate in reality.
The hardest thing for me is that I cannot talk to her anymore. I can’t bear my inner thoughts anymore because everything is leveraged against me. The thought that these cucks are just waiting for this situation to change, end, so they can exact their ultimate move, revenge or some punishment. That’s very obvious and it is disturbing. Consider the weight. The veracity of all this. There’s no other way to see it. They are all filled with insecurity and a sutble childish benign rage they can’t wait to assert on others they think are weak. Hearing my family members degrade and reduce my pitiful gran to a tantrum-like child, who’s exhausted any and all wealth and trashed the family legacy, and to let her wallow as some sort of righteous justice is so passive aggressive it’s almost criminal. There’s no honor in these people, in their lives. I didn’t leave them because I knew these things, I didn’t stay because I knew I’d lose something if I did. And I was right to do so. I should have done all of this then, accepted my self and my feelings instead of living in fear shame and guilt. I took all their horrible qualities and ways and carried the burden until it sloughed off, due to it not sticking, not being useful and baasically being foreign to my character. If it was my issue, it would still resonate with me and I’d fit right into this idiot scam. It was wrong and it still is, and I just wish I had done the real work of self care, loving myself and building myself up. Instead I carried the weight and when it dissapated I became terrified that I had done something wrong in my quest for self preservation. These people love to haunt, they love to leverage and they are full of shit. I think they know all this, deeply. i think that’s why no one approaches the situation. They can blame this or that, but I think the truth is that they carry a serious guilt around. This is what they are avoiding. How can someone so pathetic incite or warrant any apology, this is their fear and the basis of this. Hearing them blame my father for this or that, just dismissing the great memories and wonderful qualities of our upbringing, regardless of the bad, is so pathetic. It’s also sideways af, because if they knew or truly believed all this horrible crap, then why didn’t they do anything? they’re globalizing trivialities and shifting the focus and ultimately the blame on an apparitiion, creating a false narrative and a shared fantasy to shift the focus from their shortcomings and crappy decisions. They are not adults, and they are not men or women. There’s no virtue or honor in these retards. They are cowards and weak mealy children, grasping at straws and living in a fantasy. Everything about me agitates their false sense of superiority, I demand apology and compassion. These are not charitable people. They are greedy and vengeful, insecure and immature. Emotionally unstable and projecting. What a shame.
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